Nothing, everything.

I'm in my room listening to trance/deep euro house, drinking wine and contemplating whether to have a koeksister or not (a South African sweet treat which is basically a doughnut covered with syrup). I think I might just have one. I am probably going to be very annoyed with myself tomorrow. No. I am probably going to stand in front of the mirror staring critically at my tummy five minutes after I eat it. "I am allowed to indulge", I tell myself. I have just broken up with who I thought to be the love of my life. It has been difficult. I feel like I am supposed to be learning something about life; how hard it is and that it goes on and all those dismissive thoughts. Instead, I am learning that I can break very easily. Or perhaps, I bend easily, like paper. But paper is also extremely resilient and its maleability and fragility can create the most incredible origami. What do I mean? What am I saying? I think I am trying to encourage myself. my fragility has been ten times more than what it is usually. Am I weak or pathetic? (cue my depressive mind with an exclamation of absolute agreement) no. what i am is a lot of things. maybe too many things? all of which this universe wants and needs. that's right, the universe needs me. I am one of a kind (what a childlike revelation, but just listen to me) and at the same time, I am nothing. I am a speck in the universe that thinks the world revolves around her. actually, the universe would exist perfectly without me. Ok, seriously. What am I saying? What I am saying is, maybe these two ideas are linked because the one cannot really exist without the other. there is the universe, and then there are the beings that exist in it. the universe is just a void without the planets and its inhabitants. we need each other to be what we are. we are everything to each other because of our relationship. we are nothing to each other because of the same thing. if this dynamic exists on such a large scale, well, it gives me hope that the same dynamic exists amongst the inhabitants of this planet, too (and by the inhabitants of this earth i am indirectly referring to my ex and I laughingoutloudnotreallydoesanyoneeverlaughoutloudwhentypinglol).

P.P.S. I did not eat the koeksister in the end.  

(P.P.S = pointless P.S.)